Becoming my best self and revamping

I got really introspective when I started thinking about how to be positive and make changes to be my best self and in doing so I realized a couple of different things.  I realized that I don't feel like I am being my authentic self.  I feel like I am kind of phoning it in lol.  I want to be so much more than I am right now.  I feel like there are a lot of different aspects of my life that have turned me into who I am today, some of those are good and some of those are bad and I really need to weed through all of that.

What I have decided to do is rather than take like a piece and focus on that I am going to sit down and list out what things make me happy, who I want to be, what things I can get rid of in my life that I don't need, what I want more of and then ways that I can make those dreams a reality.

There are things that I know, I love travel, Disney, football, reading.  I love my husband, my son.  There are also lots of things that are in my life that I don't love that I need to just get rid of.  One thing that was hard to come to grips with but that I realized is that I don't take good care of myself because I don't feel like I deserve to.  In going through the surgery and everything it has really dawned on me.  I don't put forth any effort when it comes to  allowing  myself to feel good about being me.  I don't wear makeup, I don't spend money on clothes, I find excuses not do do some of the things I love.   I just feel frumpy, lazy, and I second guess 95% of the things that I do.  I need to change that.  I used to be a girly girl.  I love wearing dresses, having my hair done, having my nails done, reading books that I love etc.  I just don't feel like I really know how to do it and I am so scared that I will look like an clown and people will secretly judge me.  Back in the day I used to get together with my friends and we would go shopping together, do spa days and mani parties, bake together, make crafts, etc.  I just kind of feel like I have lost that.  I really want to get that back.

I also want to organize my house.  I love my hubby to death but his strong suit is not organization, putting things back where they belong or doing chores in a timely manner :)  I mean he has his chores and if I ask him to do it he jumps right on it, but I feel like a nagging wife when I ask.  So I will sometimes feel like "Well if you aren't going to do it then I am not going to do it for you" and then I let it sit until it stresses me out and I get super irritable.

I also realized that I react incorrectly to a lot of things.

So my goal from here on out is to change that.  I am going to change the being my best self series a bit.  I am not 100% positive on how I will do that just yet. You will also see a lot of changes coming in the blog as well.  I tried to have it be this wonderful place where life is grand, here is my travel stuff, etc.  I am so worried about people judging me, that sometimes I will type up a blog post and I will re-read it and say no, there is to much of you in there, to much opinion, nobody wants to see that much of you in there.  I really want this blog to be about me and my life struggles and all.  So in the next few weeks (or months) bear with me while I try to find my voice.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Holiday Season.