I have been in a terrible funk the last month or so. If I am being honest, I was kind of in a funk when we were in Disneyworld. It just feels like it has been one thing after another of a good thing happening and me getting excited to 5 things going wrong next, each worse than the next.
I have been neglecting my blog because I feel like a failure and don't have anything special to say. I am also really scared that people are going to judge me. Judge me for having to much, judge me for not having enough, judge me for my weight and slow times in running, judge me for my parenting etc etc. I have to get over this. I am honestly not doing this for other people I am doing it for myself. I want to document my life and things that I do so I have something to look back in and I really enjoy doing it. I am also really mad at myself for not starting any vlogs yet. The kiddo keeps begging me to do them, and I had a bunch of stuff planned to vlog during our trip but I just couldn't bring myself to it. Once again I am worried that people will judge me while I am out there doing it, people will think I am being silly, or all the things I listed above. I have always struggled to believe in myself, something that I have had problems with from a young age, and I am seeing it in the kiddo and I don't want him to ever feel about himself the way I feel about myself. He is an amazing, caring, loving, funny and smart young man and I want him to see that. I have to show him what it's like to believe in yourself, because no one else will. Actions mean so much more than words.
We are having to make some difficult decisions about the kiddo lately and that is weighing heavily on me mentally and emotionally. We put the kiddo in school early because everyone said he was so smart, and he is but emotionally & physically we don't feel like he is there (his birthday is the end of August). With his ADHD he is really working hard on controlling it but I feel like it has become a hindrance in his development. We have also been having some issues with his school and a lot of negative changes have been occuring and there is one teacher who does not seem to like the kiddo at all and he will be his primary teacher next year and we just don't feel comfortable with it. However, we are trying to get him into another school but we don't know if they will take him or if it will be a good fit. We just want what is best for him and we honestly don't know what that is.
The kiddo also had some serious dental work done yesterday and it was terrifying. They had to knock him out and to witness that was heartbreaking. He did so well but he was so scared and when he was waking up he was just crying out of shear fear and I felt helpless. I have only heard him cry once like that and it just rips your hear out as a mother. The dentist and anesthesiologist were absolutely amazing and we knew he was in good hands it's still stressful though. He is doing much better today and is eating and feels fine. I know that dental work is nothing compared to things like cancer, or heart problems, etc. My heart aches for parents who must watch there children go through that.
I gained a bit of weight on vacation and even thought I have been working out and eating healthy I have been struggling to lose it. I am going to keep track of everything I eat and keeping a journal and if I see that I really am eating as healthy as I think and still not losing the weight I will schedule a doctors appointment. I feel like I worked really hard to get to the point I was at and that because I took a few trips and ate terrible I will never get to where I was before.
The hubby's grandma and mom have been going through some pretty serious medical stuff and since it's there story to tell and not mine I won't go into details but that has been super stressful as well. The hubby is holding up ok until we know more, but I can tell he is scared.
My mom is talking about moving away with her boyfriend who I am not a big fan of. I am not sure if I am upset about it because I am being selfish and I don't want her to move away from me or if I am worried that she is doing it for him rather than herself (she has a tendency to do a lot of things for other people rather than herself) I want her to do what makes her happy and if that is her moving away then so be it and I have to just come to terms with it.
Even though we have hit a tough spot in life I know that everything will be ok and I am so lucky to have the most amazing hubby in the world to go through all of this with. All of this has also put a lot into perspective for me. You don't know how long you have and to spend every second not angry, judgy, or doing something you don't care about. You have to surround yourself with people you care about and who care about you. You have to be there for people no matter what, find joy in everyday things, make memories, and do things you love.
I hope everyone is having a great June so far. I know that I am going to do everything I can to make June a much better month and to have an amazing summer.
