Funk (and not the uptown kind)

I have been in a terrible funk the last month or so.  If I am being honest, I was kind of in a funk when we were in Disneyworld.  It just feels like it has been one thing after another of a good thing happening and me getting excited to 5 things going wrong next, each worse than the next.

I have been neglecting my blog because I feel like a failure and don't have anything special to say.  I am also really scared that people are going to judge me.  Judge me for having to much, judge me for not having enough, judge me for my weight and slow times in running, judge me for my parenting etc etc.  I have to get over this.  I am honestly not doing this for other people I am doing it for myself.  I want to document my life and things that I do so I have something to look back in and I really enjoy doing it.  I am also really mad at myself for not starting any vlogs yet.  The kiddo keeps begging me to do them, and I had a bunch of stuff planned to vlog during our trip but I just couldn't bring myself to it.  Once again I am worried that people will judge me while I am out there doing it, people will think I am being silly, or all the things I listed above.  I have always struggled to believe in myself, something that I have had problems with from a young age, and I am seeing it in the kiddo and I don't want him to ever feel about himself the way I feel about myself.  He is an amazing, caring, loving, funny and smart young man and I want him to see that.  I have to show him what it's like to believe in yourself, because no one else will.  Actions mean so much more than words.

We are having to make some difficult decisions about the kiddo lately and that is weighing heavily on me mentally and emotionally.  We put the kiddo in school early because everyone said he was so smart, and he is but emotionally & physically we don't feel like he is there (his birthday is the end of August).  With his ADHD he is really working hard on controlling it but I feel like it has become a hindrance in his development.  We have also been having some issues with his school and a lot of negative changes have been occuring and there is one teacher who does not seem to like the kiddo at all and he will be his primary teacher next year and we just don't feel comfortable with it.  However, we are trying to get him into another school but we don't know if they will take him or if it will be a good fit.  We just want what is best for him and we honestly don't know what that is.

The kiddo also had some serious dental work done yesterday and it was terrifying.  They had to knock him out and to witness that was heartbreaking.  He did so well but he was so scared and when he was waking up he was just crying out of shear fear and I felt helpless.  I have only heard him cry once like that and it just rips your hear out as a mother.  The dentist and anesthesiologist were absolutely amazing and we knew he was in good hands it's still stressful though.  He is doing much better today and is eating and feels fine.  I know that dental work is nothing compared to things like cancer, or heart problems, etc.  My heart aches for parents who must watch there children go through that.

I gained a bit of weight on vacation and even thought I have been working out and eating healthy I have been struggling to lose it.  I am going to keep track of everything I eat and keeping a journal and if I see that I really am eating as healthy as I think and still not losing the weight I will schedule a doctors appointment.  I feel like I worked really hard to get to the point I was at and that because I took a few trips and ate terrible I will never get to where I was before.

The hubby's grandma and mom have been going through some pretty serious medical stuff and since it's there story to tell and not mine I won't go into details but that has been super stressful as well.  The hubby is holding up ok until we know more, but I can tell he is scared.

My mom is talking about moving away with her boyfriend who I am not a big fan of.   I am not sure if I am upset about it because I am being selfish and I don't want her to move away from me or if I am worried that she is doing it for him rather than herself (she has a tendency to do a lot of things for other people rather than herself) I want her to do what makes her happy and if that is her moving away then so be it and I have to just come to terms with it.

Even though we have hit a tough spot in life I know that everything will be ok and I am so lucky to have the most amazing hubby in the world to go through all of this with.  All of this has also put a lot into perspective for me.  You don't know how long you have and to spend every second not angry, judgy, or doing something you don't care about.  You have to surround yourself with people you care about and who care about you.  You have to be there for people no matter what, find joy in everyday things, make memories, and do things you love.

I hope everyone is having a great June so far.  I know that I am going to do everything I can to make June a much better month and to have an amazing summer.

Kind of heartbroken

I used to be a huge crafter.  When I was growing up we were always doing crafts at home, I had many a puff paint shirt, scrapbook page, or hand painted jewelry box.  Growing up when we were out and about we used to say "That looks interesting" as a code for something that we could make on our own.  Since the kiddo has come along I just haven't found the time or energy to be crafty.

Well my sister and I spent all day at JoAnn's today.  We were looking at patterns and fabric to make ourselves some cute outfits. I picked out some really cute patterns to do a few Disneybound outfits and just some really cute dresses and skirts and I picked out the perfect fabric for all of them.  Well I came home today and decided that I would practice with one of the skirt patterns with some old fabric I had.  I cut everything out and sewed it all together, then I went to put it on......what a disaster.  I am currently a M in tops and a 12 in pants.  I decided to purchase patterns up to a size 14 and I even made the skirt in a 14 thinking it was better to practice in a size up.  It did not fit at all.  I was so sad.  I took my measurements and apparently my boobs are a size 16, my waist is a size 18 and my hips are a size 20 WTF!!!!  I am honestly heartbroken.  The hubby took me back to the store and we returned all the other patterns but of course they didn't have an of the ones I bought in the larger sizes.  Now I have all this amazing fabric with no patterns.  I am going to go back next week to see if I can find the same patterns in a size up or some new patterns that will work, but if I have to buy new patterns will I have enough fabric or do I have to buy more.  Ugh!!

Sorry I know it seems really silly to be upset over something so minuscule it was just that I was so excited to get back into something I really love doing and I feel like it got crapped on.

Training

I know I said I would do a post about my workouts every Sunday but life kind of got in the way so I am doing it now.

I had a pretty good week last week.  I got a lot of workouts in and I am feeling pretty good about it.  I did the elliptical all week and then we went for a long run as a family.

Monday - 2.43 miles in 30 minutes

Tuesday - 2.50 miles in 30 minutes

Wednesday - 2.49 miles in 30 minutes

Thursday - 2.53 miles in 30 minutes

Sunday - 6.6 miles in 1 hr 31 minutes

I have been really worried about doing the long runs and I haven't really done one in a few weeks since I got a sinus & ear infection but I was actually much faster than the hubby and kiddo.  I had to force myself to slow down.  I am refusing to weigh myself until April 2nd because I do not want to get into my head again and stop training.  I also have been throwing in some weights a few days a week to try to help tone up a bit.

Here is to another good week of working out and reaching my goals.

Training

My plan was to start posting every Sunday what my workouts have been for the last week and how I am doing but I got really discouraged on Sunday so I didn't post.

I hadn't weighed myself in over 2 weeks.  I have been going to the gym 4 days a week during lunch and then we were doing some longer runs on the weekend.  I was feeling really motivated and I felt like I could see it in the mirror and I was definitely feeling it..  I figured I would wait to see a larger loss number on the scale because I thought that would make me feel good.  Well I did see a larger number, just not the way I wanted.  I gained weight!!!!  I went from 167 to 172!!!!!  I was really depressed not gonna lie.  I felt like I was busting my butt for nothing, that I was not getting healthier.

I will not lie, I decided to binge watch YouTube in bed with a bag of kisses.  I was really sad and deflated.  Then I came across this girls post on Instagram.  She had posted a side by side of her 10 lbs lighter and then now but she was so fit, healthy, and happy now. She was talking about how the numbers don't matter. I really needed that at that moment.  I realized that I don't need the scale.  As long as I am working hard and feeling healthier and eating well (90% of the time lol) then what I was doing was right.  I don't remember who she is unfortunately, because I would love to go back and just tell her thank you.

I did a pretty good job on training this week.  We didn't get our long run in but I did get my weekly workouts in all on the elliptical:

Monday - 2.52 miles in 30 minutes
Tuesday - 2.55 miles in 30 minutes
Thursday - 2.53 miles in 30 minutes
Friday - 2.56 miles in 30 minutes

I am really liking the elliptical right now because I love how my arms are looking.  I am starting to get muscle I haven't seen in years.

This weeks motto for me is I can and I will!!!

Disneyworld Planning

With less than 60 days to go until Disneyworld it was time to book our fastpasses and really plan out our days at Disneyworld.  This is honestly one of my least favorite things about Disneyworld.  I feel like you have to plan out almost every second of you day.  Plus it seemed harder to book around our dinner reservations this time.  

 As you know the kiddo has ADHD and anxiety and the last two trips he hasn't really wanted to ride as many rides as he used to, however, the last few times we have gone he has LOVED the waterslides at the hotels so we decided that we are going to focus a bit more of our time at the hotel pool, the waterparks, DisneyQuest (one last time 😭) Disney Springs, hitting up EVERY photpass stop, and doing the things he really likes. So we decided that we wanted to adjust some of the meal reservations we had already booked.   We are going to be down there for 11 days and we have a sitter for three of those days so we are going to get to do the things we want to just the two of us.  We canceled our Be Our Guest breakfast reservation so that we can hit up Hollywood Studios for all the new Star Wars things.  We are also going to cancel one of our reservations at Le Cellier so that we can spend the day at Animal Kingdom to watch Rivers of Light with Fastpasses.  I am kind of sad but they are doing the Flower & Garden festival and they have a ton of food kiosks that look amazing so that will be really fun.  

I really want to do this trip different from the last few we have done.  This will be our last time going to Disneyworld for at least a year so I want to make some awesome memories and do some things we haven't done in the past.

The fastpasses that we booked are:

Magic Kingdom                             Epcot                                   Hollywood Studios

Meet Mickey                                  Living with the Lands         Rock N Roller Coaster

Tomorrowland Speedway              Meet the Characters            Star Tours

Tales with Belle                             Pixar Short Films                Indiana Jones

Splash Mountain                                                                        Disney Jr Live on Stage 

Seven Dwarfs                                Animal Kingdom                 Fantasmic

Pirates                                           Meet the Characters

Peter pan                                       Kilimanjaro Safari                          

Big Thunder                                  Rivers of Light

Haunted Mansion

I am really excited for our trip.  I need to find some new outfits (especially Disneybouding ones) since I have lost so much weight none of my old stuff really fits and I need to get the hubby a carry on, and all the little misc. stuff for the trip.  

We also started our Friday night Disney Movie nights.  Let week we watched A New Hope and last night we watched Finding Dory for the first time.  

Purging stuff and not buying as much

While I was on vacation I watched a bit of Netflix and I found this documentary called Minimalism - A Documentary about the Important Things.  A lot of it resonated with me.  I love to shop and I have a hard time getting rid of stuff.  I will buy something just because I think it's cute, or I think I just can't live without it, or sometimes for a social status.  When I was cleaning up the house I found a ton of things that I never even took out of the box.  I realized that I don't want to do that anymore.  I only want to have things around me that make me happy, that I will use and are of good quality.

I ended up donating 10+ bags of stuff to the Goodwill and it felt really good.  My house was starting to stress me out because there was just so much stuff and I was running out of places to put things.  It was hard for me to get rid of some of the stuff but I really needed to let go of things.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I will never go shopping again, or I will only buy used items, I just need to stop buying so much!!! I think this will help the hubby and I get a bit more financially secure as well.  I want my house to be a place of comfort and refuge.

Month in Review

Man oh man do I ever have to stay on top of my blogging.  I can't believe how long it has been since my last blog post!!!!  I didn't even get up my review of the Star Wars half.  I think I may still do it just 3 weeks to late lol.

January was a crazy busy month.  I feel like I haven't had a chance to settle into the new year yet.  To be honest we still have our Christmas tree up, shhh don't tell anyone.

We had Grandma's birthday weekend, then our trip at the start of the month, then I ended up getting really sick right after we came back from vacation so I was laid up in bed for like 5 days, then we had to do some stuff for the kiddo's school, and now it's February.

I don't know about you guys but I am not liking 2017 so far.  For some reason I am in a major funk.  I just did my first run since we came back from vacation and I have only lost 1 lb of the 8 I had gained since November, my mom & sister are not getting along at all, our vehicles need more work, the kiddo is having a rough time with his ADHD, etc etc.  I feel like I am stuck in a terrible depressed rut.  I am hoping that I can get out of it in February.

I am also really mad at myself for neglecting my blog.   I am going to sit down and plan out some posts and make myself do them.  I keep having these ideas for what I am going to post and what I will say but when I go to sit down the things I am trying to say don't come out right, or I need to do housework, or the kiddo needs something.  So I talked with the hubby about it and we are going to block off 10 minutes a day for me each day to focus on my blog.  I really do love my hubby.

So to not end this blog on a bad note I figured I would point out a few positive things that have happened this month:

It snowed.  We didn't get much but when it's dark and gloomy and cold I love getting some snow.

I got to enjoy some wonderful Lush products.

I got to go to Disneyland again and I did my first Rebel Challege, it was amazing!!!

My hubby and I went out to the Melting Pot to celebrate 18 years of being a couple.

See life isn't to bad, I just need to focus on the positives and just keep swimming.

Here is to an awesome February